The following are from the Mouth of Sauron which is a hilarious site. I pulled out the ones I found funny so that you don't have to wade through them all. These are fictional 'headlines' or 'editorials' from Middle Earth.
Racist Trumpeter on The Loose!
Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org
The authorities are currently searching for Boromir the barbarian, who is
wanted in Rivendell and Rohan for disturbing the peace. At Rivendell, he is
reported to have blown several loud blasts with his horn once each morning of
his stay, and also at midnight. Elrond, suffering from an acute case of insomnia,
rebuked him for this behaviour publicly. Boromir responded with a long-winded
list of derogatory and even racist remarks, calling the elves of Rivendell "half-wits
with funny ears" and referring to Gandalf (Elrond's guest) as "that
grumpy old wizard" whose task it was to babysit "those stunted halflings."
Shortly afterward, Boromir eluded the furious elves and hurried south. At the
falls of Rauros he blew his clarion once again. In distant Minas Tirith, Denethor,
steward of the City, heard the call and surmised instantly that Boromir was
once again returning to his realm.
Denethor's servants later found him dead in his chambers, apparently of shock.
Meanwhile, our sources report that Boromir has also been seen in Lothlorien, where he called Galadriel "witch, seductress, weaver of webs" and many other names not half so nice, and also at the footsteps of the Emyn Muil, where he was heard raving about a magic ring--apparently victim to a temporary onset of dementia.
We have heard no further reports.
Mordor Times - Our Beloved Leader
Assassinated
Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org
March 25
It is a day of greiving [sic]
in our country. Our beloved leader is dead. From Udun to Nurn, the masses are
in shock today. The most powerful maia in Middle-Earth is dead after any earthquake
measuring 9.7 on the richter scale destroyed his home. The earthquake has been
linked to two hobbits who were on the scene moments before the quake struck.
Our brave Ringwraiths attempted to apprehend the suspects, but they were given
assilum in the the Kingdom of Gondor, whose army had come to invade Mordor the
previous day.
Related news:
March 15
THE WITCH-KING FALLS IN DEFENCE
OF MORDOR. As the armies of Gondor approached the contested land of Ithilien,
the Lord of the Nazgul took the field to defend us. In the defence of Osgiliath,
the beloved leader of the Ringwraiths was killed, and the city lost. A memorial
will be held Thursday, with leaders from Rhun to Khand attending.
Sauron sues Baggins over lost ring
Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org
Earlier today Sauron, executor of the Mordor Estate, sued Frodo Baggins for theft, vandalism, and willful destruction of property. Sauron claims Baggins willfully retained a ring belonging to himself and later incinerated it in an active volcano. Baggins, with Mithrandir acting as attorney, denies the theft charges and has invoked the statute of limitations, claiming that the Mordor Estate cannot accuse him of a crime committed three thousand years before (namely, the theft of the Ring). Experts expect this case to go to trial rather quickly, and a large number of witnesses are anticipated, including Aragorn (whose involvement in the events is uncertain), Galadriel, and Gimli (the same dwarf renowned for last year's mass murder trial over the famed Helm's Deep slaughter). Mithrandir has this comment for the press: "The Dark Lord mislaid his Ring at the beginning of the Age. Baggins' involvement in the affair is entirely coincidental, and the volcano incident is a regrettable but innocent accident.
We hope that Mandos will sort the
facts quickly and equitably, and acquit my client of these unjust accusations."
We at the Middle Earth Gazette can
only conclude that although Sauron's loss is considerable, Mithrandir's words
bear the ring of truth.
Middle Earth Editorial #1
Posted by Op Ed
Does Anyone Else Think Aragorn Was a Little Hasty?
by Eomer
Does anyone else think Aragorn was a little hasty in handing Druadan Forest over to the Woses like that? I mean, the Woses sure helped out - don`t get me wrong. They`re fine people and I fully intend to keep my uncle`s promise not to hunt them like animals anymore. Without Ghan-Buri-Ghan, we`d have lost surprise and all.
But come on, man. Giving them Druadan Forest and making it off limits to everyone else? That`s a little much, don`t you think? I didn`t see too many Woses getting killed out there on the Pellanor field, did you? Where were they when we marched to the Black Gate? I saw plenty of Rohirrim on that trip... not too many Woses.
And Aragorn didn`t even talk to Ghan-Buri-Ghan. Just kind of shouted into the woods, all off-handed like. We were as surprised as anyone. That shows that he was all caught up in the moment and didn`t even think about it.
If he had been thinking about it, he might have considered that the next time Gondor needs Rohan to come save their butts, he just made our ride a little bit longer, didn`t he? Maybe next time they send the Red Arrow, we`ll just take our sweet time on that trip around Druadan and see if that doesn`t make him think a little.
While I`m on the subject, I might have to ask Aragorn just what the hell we`re supposed to do for wood now up here in Rohan. I mean we can`t all build majestic cities out of brilliant white stone, can we? After what they saw at Helm`s Deep and Orthanc, how do you think my men will react when I tell them to head up to Fangorn and cut down some trees? I`m sure as hell not going with them. Yeah, this`ll be a great year, until the winter when we freeze to death. What are we supposed to burn? Grass?
I know what you`re all thinking:
"Yeah, cry me a river Mr. King/War Hero in a country full of leggy blondes."
I know, and I don`t want to sound bitter or anything. I`m psyched about winning
the war, and I really have nothing against the Woses at all. Just seems to me
that they made out pretty darn well for basically just showing us a shortcut,
that`s all. I could tell a lot of other people thought that too. You could totally
see how surprised Gandalf was.
Lord of the Rings Drinking Game
I saw some posts by other people. have collected them together and added a few. Rules are simple. Drink each time one of the following happens:
Any "I didn't think you were
real, I thought you were a legend," reference.
Any time they have to go through the men / hobbits / halflings routine
"Nay, they are not boys, they are full grown."
Any time Sam shows servile tendencies.
"Elendil! I am--" Oh shut up.
Each time you hear Aragorn called by a different name
Each time Aragorn recites his entire name.
When an event from "The Hobbit" is referenced
Whenever someone gives Gandalf a mocking nickname (Stormcrow, Grey Fool, etc.)
Any of Sam's colorful rusticisms ("Lor bless me," for example)
Whenever a politically incorrect phrase is said ("There are queer folk
about" or "No black man shall pass my doors")
When the main characters drink / smoke
Someone is called by their
full name who usually isn't (e.g. Peregrin, Meriadoc, Grima, and so forth)
Someone says something that
sounds dirty out of context ("Take it off, fool! Take it off!")
Every time Gandalf says, "Peregrin
Took" or "Tomfool of a Took".
Everytime you hear a colourful Tolkien insult: Fool of a took, foul dwimmerlaik
etc
Every time somebody says "I
am Hoho, Son of Dodo, and I come from far away, across many rivers" or
the like.
Every time Gollum winds Sam
up, or vice versa.
Every time a character gets
in the mood to recite an epic poem
Every time Frodo and Sam share a moment which could be considered by some to
be homo-erotic
Every time we hear about how marvellous elves are
Every time we hear elves' eyes described as 'bright'
Every time we catch a glimpse of Legolas' super powers (ability to sleep walk,
see things that are far away, sense danger etc)
Every time something is described as "fell"
Every time Tom Bombadil says something stupid
Every time Gollum says: "Precious"
Every time Tolkien fakes us out and makes us think a major character is dead
(eg Gandalf, Eowyn, Faramir)
Every time something gruesome happens (decapitation, cleaved head, catapulted
head)
Every time the poem on the One Ring is recited regardless of language)
Every time we hear about how remarkable, amazing or surprising hobbits are.
Signs you have read too much Lord of the Rings
I saw some posts by other people. have collected them together and added a few.
Every time you see a spider you run
out of the room screaming "Spawn of Ungolant!"
You mutter "He's not going to get us precious" as you hid your jewerly
Whenever something bad happens you scream "AiAi!"
When you start mumbling, "It's mine, precious, mine..." in your sleep.
When you end every sentence with "Alas."
When you start dreaming about jewelry.
When your boss checks in on you and you shriek: "Begone, foul dwimmerlaik!"
When you stop wearing shoes.
When you start chasing around after tall men with dark hair and grey eyes.
When you start lusting after Legolas / Faramir / Aragorn
When you start eyeing suspiciously anyone wearing a gold ring.
When you start humming "Come merry dol, derry dol" while doing your
homework.
When you learn to quote entire chapters verbatim.
When you name your best kitchen knife and carry it on your belt, having realized
that it is actually an Elven relic.
You hate spiders and shout "Spawn of Shelob!" every time you see one.
You cringe every time you hear kids called "my precious."
"Foul dwimmerlaik" is one of your most frequently used expletives.
You wear your brother's gray graduation gown, your mother's old angel halo,
adn your father's Spock ears, and call it an Elf costume.
You tame the skinny, green-eyed, cat who bit off the jeweler's middle finger,
telling your incredulous friends that you feel he may have an important part
e'er the end.
You are arrested for ramming into a car with a bumper sticker reading, "Tolkien
Sucks!"
You know what the Balrog wings debate is
You hold a view in relation to the Balrog wing debate
You shout out: "What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?" when you
see your friends
You have given serious consideration to the issue of why they didn't just use
the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom
You find Lord of the Rings humour funny and try to read it to your friends who
don't find it funny and just look at you blankly
You get into violent debates in relation to whether Tolkien was racist / sexist
/ class-ist